Domestic Abuse: The Double Standard


Okay, I know I am going to get into trouble for this one, but it has to be said: No one has a right to put their hands on anyone. No one has the right to verbally or mentally assault another person. No one has the right to cause another person to live in fear, sadness, or grief.

As long as the person on the receiving end of said abuse is a woman.

Now, before I’m to be strung up from my heels in the town square, allow me to elaborate by sharing a true story.

About two years ago, I was in the living room of my apartment located on the second floor. Through the open window I heard a woman yelling her head off, cursing and fussing. I mean, she was going all out. And she was loud. So, naturally I had to slide over to my window and see what was going on.

Down below I saw a man walking away from the screaming woman. They were both in the middle of the street. I have no idea what he did to provoke such a vocal response from her, but she was clearly unhappy with him. She called that man every name in the book except “Jesus,” but he didn’t say a word. He merely kept walking. Try as he might, though, she continued following him.

By the time they had crossed in front of my window, the woman had dared the man to hit her. In the midst of her berating this guy, who still hadn’t said a word, mind you, she deliberately told him to strike her. She even got in his face and blocked his path. She did whatever she could to provoke a physical response.

Up to this point, I had to give that man kudos. Not too many people would allow someone to be in their face like this sorry excuse for a woman was in his. He didn’t utter a single word, and he did not take her up on her dare. Hell, he didn’t even act as though the woman existed…

…Until she punched him.

That’s when all hell broke loose.

Like most parents, my mother taught her children that when someone hits you, you hit him back. This guy must have had the same lesson because after she struck him, he struck her. I tell you, if there was ever an Academy Award Nomination for Best Overly Dramatic Street Performance, this woman would have won it. She fell to the ground grabbing her face. She sobbed to the heavens. She asked her “attacker” why he had to treat her so badly and why he had to hit her. Then, to top it all off, she threatened to call the police on him and have him arrested for domestic abuse. One of my neighbors must have tuned in by this point because sure enough, the cops came.

Because of how this woman was behaving and instigated the altercation, I felt it was necessary to tell the police what I witnessed. So, I flew downstairs and told the first officer I came across everything that had happened, including the woman hitting the man. None of that mattered. He still ended up sitting in the back of a police car with his hands handcuffed behind his back, and she still ended up wailing in the back of an ambulance.

Was he right for hitting her? No, he wasn’t, but that’s not the point of this.

What is the point of everything I said thus far? It’s simple. There is a blatant double standard that no one really likes to talk about when it comes to domestic abuse. People are quick to run to the defense of a woman and turn a man into an abusive villain. That isn’t always the case, though. Plenty of men have to deal with abusive women. The story I told at the beginning is just one memory I have of a woman getting out of pocket with her man. I’ve heard verbal abuse; some women will just flat out dog walk their men and expect him to remain silent. I’ve even heard from one female I no longer associate with about how she beats on her man when he doesn’t fold to her needs. It’s ridiculous how much goes on behind closed doors, but it’s even more ridiculous how vocal some women are about the things they do to their men. Why is that?

My opinion? They do it because they feel they can. Despite the fact that women still have to fight for equality in this country, one thing they have is the assurance that should a man even attempt to strike them, all they have to do is call 911 and he will be arrested, or at bare minimum, removed from the premises. This right was given to protect anyone from suffering abuse. Once upon a time, it was okay for a man to strike his wife. The police typically stayed out of domestic matters. Nowadays, not so much. Society has gotten to the point where even the threat of harm is enough to draw police action. This is especially true for women in domestic abuse situations.

The problem lies with the women who abuse this privilege. For whatever reason, they feel that since the man will likely be labeled as the abuser that it gives the ladies a free pass to be aggressive. It doesn’t.

Let’s take another look at the previously mentioned story. That man did everything to avoid confrontation. He remained silent, he took her verbal abuse, and he tried to walk away. None of this deterred his attacker from abusing him. Actually, it seemed to me like his lack of interaction made her lash out more.

Why the hell do some women insist on instigating a confrontation when the other person is trying his best to abstain from one? At that point, you’re just asking for trouble. And this is not the only instance I’ve heard of a woman pushing a man into a corner, literally and figuratively speaking. The man is expected to just take the abuse, because as soon as he verbally threatens or touches the woman, he’s spending the night in jail.

But let the roles be reversed. Let it be the man acting as the villain and the woman acting as the damsel in distress. It’s a double standard.

As I said in the very beginning, NO ONE has a right to be abusive, male or female. If you are in an abusive relationship, I implore you to seek help. It doesn’t matter if the abuse is verbal, mental, emotional, or physical. Abuse is abuse, and no one deserves to live in that type of environment.

However, if you are the type of woman who thinks it’s okay to be an abuser in a relationship because the law is biased to your gender, please remember that people tend to get what they put out. It’s called Karma, and you don’t want it.

**Be sure to check out my next piece on double standards entitled Cheating: It Wasn’t Me.

11 thoughts on “Domestic Abuse: The Double Standard

  1. lakeisha says:

    Having been a woman of a physiclly domestic situation even I agree there is a double standard. Its one thing to “pop lip” but its something else to ask to be popped in the lip. Lol (sorry had to laugh, that was good!) I saw an incident at work the other day…man shoved a woman in the face BUT only after she spit in his face, verbally provoked him even as he tried to turn away, and then she slapped him. I kicked them both ouut of my bar but was sure to let my security know she was the direct threat…I would’ve shoved the shit out of her too. Point is human reaction to an action a lot of the time still relevant. Lion or lioness; you will only poke that pole in my side a few times more bfore I turn around and claw ur face off. Chivalry may be waining but bitch boo, instint is always on point.


    • krismbell says:

      WOW, That was completely unnecessary, but unfortunately proves my point: Men are also victims of abuse. Hopefully, that woman learns the error of her behavior and becomes proactive to change it. Thanks for reading.


    • krismbell says:

      Hello Sam. I think it’s a type of endearment or expression lol And I agree. More people need to be aware that domestic abuse knows no gender, and there are people who take advantage of gender bias. It isn’t right. Thanks for reading 🙂


  2. promiscuouswriter says:

    The only time hitting a person is acceptable is in self defense. It doesn’t matter…if a woman is hitting a man – it is still battery or DV. Abuse isn’t gender specific. For those that think it is okay – would you want someone hitting YOUR son like that? I was in an abusive marriage for 12 years. We have two sons together. As much as I am scared of men now, I would NEVER hit a man…especially out of anger.


    • krismbell says:

      Hello there. You’re right: Hitting is never okay nor is it gender specific. While I am sorry you had to endure such a relationship, I am happy to see you here today. The question you posed is similar to one I have also asked. For some reason the responses provided have been more along the lines of “It wouldn’t happen to him or her.” The sad reality is that it could. Thanks for reading.


      • promiscuouswriter says:

        It can and will. No one grows up hoping to be a victim (or survivor) of abuse. I didn’t grow up thinking I would marry a man who would abuse me, go to college, continue to be abused, and once out be stalked. Who the hell thinks that way? I was a “it will never be me” person, too. Guess what…it was me.


      • krismbell says:

        Actually, I know a couple of very pessimistic people who think exactly this way. Personally, I can’t always dwell on the negative. Shucks, I couldn’t do it part-time either, so I guess that makes me a “it will never be me” person as well. But one thing I know is that people can go through Hell and back. As horrible as some people are, people are also resilient.


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