Sometimes I can’t help but to sit back and observe the world as it passes by. I keep my head down and my eyes open. So suffice it to say that I notice a lot of… stuff.
Let’s get the obvious out of the way first. From the title you can probably guess that I will discuss men, or more specifically, good men. That assumption is correct. You can also assume that I am not a man. Because, you know… I’m not.
So why the post? Basically, because I get so aggravated when I see a good man wasting his time with mediocrity. I know, I know. What I perceive isn’t always the way things are. But still, everyone who knows me knows that I’m an observer. The things you see when no one thinks you’re looking, priceless. So, naturally I have made several observations while sitting back and keeping my mouth shut.
Let’s start with a definition.
A good man: a man who is true and honest in his actions; a man who takes care of house and home to the best of his abilities; a man who loves his woman and children and does his best by them, despite his imperfections. A good man is not lazy, unfaithful, abusive, unconcerned, nor does he have a thug mentality
And now the lesson:
Women claim to have a hard time
finding a good man, but men have just as bad a time
finding a good woman.
Before anyone thinks to slam me for the lesson, let me explain first. When some women get a good man (as described in the definition), they don’t immediately recognize it. When you’re used to being treated like garbage, it’s only natural that all of those hang-ups are brought into the next relationship. So few actually take the time to heal from one relationship to the next, but that’s a different conversation altogether. This is a vicious cycle that ruins any possible chances you have at understanding that the person who is standing right in front of you is the Prince Charming you’d been waiting for. The main culprit for this blindness? Years spent kissing frogs and hoping it turns into royalty that will sweep you off your feet.
When did real life become a romantic comedy? Now your very own “good man” is putting in overtime trying to convince you that he’s not like the rest. You’d be lucky if you eventually see your Prince Charming for who he really is and start doing right by him, but that’s not always the case.
It’s a shame women can be so picky. I can speak for myself on this one. Sometimes I have to question my own damn standards. For instance, my “perfect” Prince Charming would have black hair and bright pearly whites. He would be financially stable, a social powerhouse with connects that would make Jay-Z blush in shame, and yet be a sweet, caring, sensitive man who would kill for me if I were to ever be affronted. Did I mention he would also have to be a stallion in the bedroom? Love children? Be a dog person?
I said all of that to say this: There are a lot of good men roaming the streets, but because he doesn’t have the physique or credentials or social power we expect, we pass them by. Not every good man will have the body of Adonis, nor will every good man be a self-made millionaire. Ladies, we need to pull our heads from out of our behinds and take a deep whiff of reality. We’ll see that plainly dressed good man on the streets and walk on by, but we’ll give the finely dressed “bad boys” a second glance. It’s a shame.
But that leads me to another point. Why is it we get so taken by the well-dressed bad boy? Why are we, as females, so attracted to the thuggish, hardcore, tattooed, saggy pants wearing, gaudy jewelry having, lazy, still living in the projects and pushing street pharmaceuticals/rap career with a side piece on the side of a side piece kind of guy? I can understand falling for a man who’s basically a little rough around the edges, but c’mon.
I see so many good, decent women who want to make something of themselves wasting their time trying to mold and change their bad boy into a good man as if he’s made of Play-Doh. This type of thinking doesn’t make sense. A good man is not a man you have to change.
Hold up. Time to take a quick bunny trail. It’s impossible to change anyone. You can influence, which is not the same. To change someone you would have to take their personality, their essence, and negate it while creating something new in the process. You would have a better shot at turning water to wine at a party. On a time limit. While you’re already drunk. Save yourself the heartache and just say no.
Moving on. Let’s say you have a man who is physically or verbally abusive. He says he cares about you, but his actions don’t show it. He cheats, he lies, and he is forever playing on your emotions and intelligence. Why is that attractive? Is it believed that in order for a man to truly love a woman he has to berate her? Is it the sex? If it is, is it even worth the hassle?
Whatever happened to the man who courts the woman he adores? The type of man who takes the time out of his day to show admiration to his lady? The one who you can be proud to bring home to the family? Well, I can say this: That man is still out there, but he’s been outshone by the attractive jerks with good penis that currently dominate the market. You know the type. He only calls you after 11 pm or whenever his main woman is unavailable.
Too harsh? Still true.
Not everyone is in a doomed situation; I actually know quite a few people who are in sound relationships. It’s refreshing to see people who are genuinely in love with each other and who understand that you must work to make a relationship last instead of bailing out every time something goes even remotely wrong. I’ve even met several women who have found their good man, their very own Prince Charming. They understand they have a true provider, husband, and father for their children in their lives, and that alone is a blessing.
However, not all of those blessed ladies take care of their princes. Why is that? If your man is going to work every day, making sure the bills are paid, why is it he has to make his own dinner? No good man should leave a clean home in the morning and come back to a junky house in the evening. I’ve seen women let their kids run amuck throughout the house all day and expect the husband to do all of the discipline.
The man is the provider of the house, the woman is the nurturer. A man provides a house for his family, a woman makes it a home. Now, that doesn’t mean the woman is the dictator of the house, nor does it mean because the man is the provider, he’s the lord and ruler. Far from it.
It’s a partnership.
Consider me old fashioned, I know. Even in today’s culture of blended families and two salary households, there should still be reciprocity. If one partner is doing what they can to hold the relationship and family afloat, it’s foul not to return the favor. A relationship is between two people, and thus two people have to put in the work.
The roles of the husband and wife have gotten so mixed up in the past few years. Nowadays, it’s not uncommon for a woman to believe she has to do everything on her own. Not because she wants to, but often because she has to. She works, takes care of the kids, cleans the house, goes to school, etc. She may even be bringing in more money than her male counterpart.
The problem arises, however, when the woman doesn’t acknowledge the good man and his endeavors to keep the family together. If he’s not bringing enough money home, the woman nags about it. If he’s not home enough with her and the kids, more nagging. There is even nagging if he is out all day at work and can’t be at her beck and call. He’s accused of cheating because her ex used to do it years ago. She complains about a lack of communication and then doesn’t listen when he bares his heart to her. To make sure she caught his interest initially, she was a freak and a horn dog, but now that she has him to herself, he has to beg for the affection she used to give freely.
So on and so on. You know, it is possible to break a good man down to where he feels powerless, as though he’s not good enough to maintain a status in his own home or relationship.
Some ladies are so used to being Superwoman they tend to forget about Superman. So after a time of constant arguing, of being made to feel inadequate and inept by unappreciative wives or girlfriends, that good man is more likely to exit stage left than continue on in the relationship.
Bye-bye Prince Charming.
Please don’t think that by reading this I must be a woman basher because I’m not. I am a woman who loves to sit back and watch how people behave. And, yes, I have fallen into the same trap I speak about now. I’ve let good men pass me by. I’ve been unappreciative. But now I see a bit more clearly, and I desire to leave my fellow finicky female gender a message.
I understand that a good man is hard to find. Most of the so-called men out here are not worth much, but I implore you. Open your eyes and truly see that good man standing next to you, because the quicker you get over yourselves, the less he has to prove to you.
Take heed and farewell.
*Stay tuned for the other side of the coin: “The Woes of Womanhood.” Coming soon.