You know what really grinds my gears? When a person gets so comfortable in a role they forget they actually have to be that role. Like a wife. Or a husband. Both sides are guilty of this, for sure, but since I’ve seen more than a few wives forget their role over the last couple of weeks, I’ll single them out for now.

Don’t worry, fellas. I’ll get to you, too.

Now, to set the scene: Let’s say you’re married and your hubby is ambitious, follows his dreams, and makes an honest effort to create a better life for his family, but you’re cool with staying home and doing next to nothing. He can’t even get you to clean the house or yourself on a consistent basis unless company is coming over. And that’s if he’s lucky. Or let’s say he gets little support when you know you’re supposed to be his biggest cheerleader. He is constantly having to compromise down and adjust his life for you, meet your demands and expectations, and never feel salty about it.

Or how about this: Let’s say your hubby isn’t allowed to do anything unless he runs it by you. God forbid he makes a decision that didn’t involve you. I’m not talking him deciding to relocate the family or anything that major. I’m talking about him deciding to get chicken for dinner instead of fish. Little things like that. He’s supposed to be the head of the house, but you constantly emasculate him, berate him, nag him, and treat him like he’s an incompetent child. Plus, you never hesitate to let him know that you really don’t need him since you can handle everything on your own.

I have plenty more examples, but to all of that all I can say is that you may as well have stayed just a girlfriend. You were not ready to be a wife.

For those who don’t know, I am fond of saying “marriage is a partnership,” because I believe anything less than that is masturbation. If your husband (or wife for that matter) is doing 70-80-90 percent of the work in the relationship, then what do they need you for? What are you bringing to the table? Why should your spouse always have to settle to meet your needs? That’s not fair.

And while we’re on the subject of fair, it is extremely unfair to expect your husband to tell you who you are. It is not your husband’s job to complete you. It is not your husband’s job to fix you. Granted we are forever learning about ourselves and what we can and cannot handle as life throws us the occasional curveball, but by the time you say “I do” you should know something about yourself. You should have an identity of your own. It is not your spouse’s responsibility to live your life for you.

Another thing: stop selling dreams. Caveat emptor should not apply to marriage. For instance, If you know you have a low libido before marriage, don’t convince your man you’ll start doing freaky stuff after the wedding. Fellas, she will never do freaky stuff after the wedding if she has never been comfortable with her sexuality. If you fall for that banana in the tailpipe you’ll end up with a penis drier than the Sahara, and when you do get some, it’ll be a mediocre 5 on a scale of 1-10 because again she doesn’t feel the need to make an effort beyond her own prudish or lazy self.

Ladies in case you forget, the marriage bed is undefiled. It’s okay to be nasty with your man.

I guess I’ll end with this for now:

If your spouse is awesome and doing what they can the best they can, you need to be on the same page. Match the flow. Never get so comfortable in your title that you forget to play your role.